I don’t want to work anymore. Nobody does. The first one hundred times I heard that I did not agree, but I completely empathize with the current criticisms of the modern workplace. When I see young people in tears about housing/food/wages/economy, I can only offer comfort and hope. Apathy is a reasonable reaction to what can I only describe as corporate feudalism, but a useless one.
Now, what to do. Having recently found myself gainfully “fun”employed, I have spent more time outside moving dirt than I have in a long time. It has confirmed most of my suspicions. First, ‘outside’ is awesome. I love outside. Just a few minutes outside every day has almost cured my burnout and disillusion. I see why they’ve been gatekeeping that one. And while I have been fortunate to weather a very troubling albeit brief storm, I do not really want to go back to ‘inside.’
This second realization was a bit harder to accept. The stability of a 9-5 (which has slowly crept into an 8-6, or 8-7, or 6-9) has been revealed to be little more than a security blanket – and a ragged one at that. I do not have the same energy and optimism that I once did, much less the belief that I would have a lasting impact in any role. It’s possible that all my searching for the dream job has been in vain. This thought has been slowly growing for years now. I used to just entertain it briefly in between conference calls and pointless emails, but for the last year it has consumed my thoughts. Mostly, because I did not have enough to do at my office day job, I have been crunching numbers trying to figure out the number that would make me ‘free.’
This last jolt with micromanagement cemented that leaving for good will be more of a mindset shift than a magic number. It may very well be true that I am not meant to be a good employee. In a small way, it’s been a welcome relief to know that nothing is certain, nor should it be. Where I should have been burdened with anxiety (and there was some), I have mostly felt a persistent sense of calm. I have no idea what comes next, but I am going to touch grass.